Epic Faceoffs: Cargo Shorts vs. Nickelback

It all started innocently enough. CCP developer extraordinaire, Devyn, wore cargo shorts to work. Cue the record scratch.

Devyn had only been working at CCP for a few weeks, so he was blissfully unaware of the mocking to come, but he put forth a compelling question: is there any circumstance in which cargo shorts could be considered preppy? What if they were linen? Madras? Dare we say it – seersucker?

Well, our answer was an unequivocal “no,” and Devyn was derided accordingly (lesson learned – he now sports twill shorts in a 6” inseam). The discussion did teach all of us a new lesson, though. It’s not just that cargo shorts aren’t preppy; cargo shorts are actually just objectively terrible. This line of thought led us to another question (the subject of today’s post): how terrible are cargo shorts, really? As bad as morning traffic? As loathsome as telemarketers? As cringe-worthy as recent Adam Sandler efforts?

Then it hit us. If cargo shorts were to have a spirit animal, it would be none other than Canada’s cheesiest rock export: Nickelback. The almost universally scorned (at least in public) foursome on America’s airwaves, only Nickelback captures the simultaneous nostalgia and “ick” feeling of the 90s as well as your crumpled up old cargos.

So now it’s time to put the relationship to the test. Which is actually worse: Cargo shorts…or Nickelback? FIGHT.

Point
In 2008, Nickelback front-man Chad Kroeger was awarded the “Douche Bag of the Year” award by the Guardian because he is a “self- important drunk driver and propagator of the worst music ever…with bad hair.”

Counterpoint
Just look at these things. Are you suitably horrified? These guys have parents. Think about that...and shudder.

Point
Nickelback has spawned a generation of young men who tattoo themselves with the Chinese symbol for “Bro,” pay $15 to watch Michael Bay sequels, and proudly wear affliction tee shirts.

Counterpoint
 Look below this caption. Seriously. That’s Justin Bieber. I don’t think this is even a competition anymore. In this case, it is too late to say “sorry.”

Just looking at the data, it's hard to argue that cargo shorts aren't running away with this thing. So what could actually be worse than cargo shorts? How about this poor soul in CARGO SHORTS AND A NICKELBACK TEE SHIRT.

Look at this picture. Breathe it in. And then remember that that shirt started out with sleeves. Now, it's more important than ever to #makeamericapreppyagain.